Getting Married? Discuss Before You Tie the Knot
If you are thinking of getting married and have the grand idea that you will be able to change your partner once he or she sees how glorious life with you is, think again! The person you wed is a complex package of needs, wants, and abilities, and making sure you know just what you are getting into is central to having a successful relationship. Therapists suggest that instead of plotting for your opportunity to reshape the person you are marrying, take the time to have conversations about topics that impact every couple on the planet. If you do not, chances are you will be making a visit to a local divorce attorney before you know it.
Getting Married and Spending Habits
The ways couples manage money vary with relationships. Will both partners work and put money into a joint account, or will each partner maintain his or her own? Will you spend as you earn, or are you saving for some big-ticket items? If you put off this conversation for too long, the likelihood is that one or both of you may become disenchanted with the financial management, and that will affect the relationship.
Libido and physical intimacy clearly impact feelings of connectedness in a relationship. Do you have similar expectations in the bedroom, or are there potentially going to be some compatibility questions? If so, it would behoove you to address those issues from the get-go.
Do you enjoy socializing with your parents and future in-laws? If one partner enjoys chatting daily on the phone with a parent or sibling and the other finds this to be intrusive, how will you come to a common understanding? What role will extended family play in your lives? Differing expectations surrounding family can become an extremely toxic issue, so coming up with a plan for how to handle weekends, holidays, and even day-to-day life is important.
Can you count on your partner to stick by you through thick and thin? Will you face problems together, whether it means the loss of a job, a physical issue, severe anxiety, or other problems that can strain a relationship? It is important to have a common commitment, and an understanding that you will do whatever it takes to preserve the relationship as life tosses you lemons down the road.
How do you deal with conflict? If your fights are not fair now, chances are things will not improve as things become more complex. Some issues to beware of before getting married include:
- Partners who do anything to avoid a fight;
- Partners who view any criticism as a personal attack;
- Dirty fighting, including name-calling, blaming, and listing stored-up complaints that you thought were resolved long ago;
- Partners who pout or withdraw;
- Partners who engage in physical violence.
Taking the Plunge
If you have done your homework before getting married and have a solid relationship, good for you. If, on the other hand, your marriage has turned into a misery pit, perhaps you are considering a divorce. The knowledgeable and effective legal team at Beck Family Law can help. If you live in Sonoma County, Mendocino County or Lake County California, contact our Santa Rosa office today to schedule a confidential consultation.